Top Ten Ways to Cure Insomnia
1 – Get a bucket of scalding water. Get a bucket of cold. Put one foot in each.
2 – Start at the beginning of Moby Dick (unabridged) and start reading. It won’t take long.
3 – Get in your car and drive until you find a stop sign. Turn left. Repeat until you’re tired.
4 – Find a bag of Ghirardelli chocolates and eat the entire thing. When you’ve pried yourself off the ceiling you’ll land in your bed.
5 – Sing the ABC’s backwards.
6 – Do an internet search in a language you don’t know and read the text until boredom induces exhaustion.
7 – Lay down candy all over the house. Follow the trail on all-fours picking the candy up with your teeth.
8 – Scrub the entire house like twelve of your in-laws are coming.
9 – Write down everything weighing on your mind. Burn the list.
10 – Visit the nearest college campus and record a lecture. Use as needed.
